Finding Strength in Grief: A Personal Journey Through the Unthinkable
Life can throw us curveballs that we’re never quite prepared to catch. The passing of my husband, Gavin, was one of those moments for me. This is not a guide on how to grieve; this is my personal account of how I managed to find strength during the most challenging period of my life.
How I grieved is unique to me, just as your way will be unique to you. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve.
The Initial Shock
Right after Gavin passed, the first two weeks were a blur. But I knew I needed answers. So, I started reading two books on being a widow—one from a friend and another from someone who’s been through it. I was looking for any guidance on how to navigate this new world, especially when it came to helping my kids cope.
Coping with Children’s Grief
Nothing is as heart-wrenching as watching your children have their father ripped away from them. Despite this, I still had an amazing inner strength; I don’t know where it came from. I just knew that I needed to gather as much information as I could to navigate this journey the best way possible for both my children and myself. It’s funny—my natural instincts were already guiding me. Reading these books simply reinforced my inner knowledge, making me even more certain about what was best for me and my children, without letting others influence me with ideas they didn’t understand
Trusting My Instincts
To get through those unimaginably hard days, I had to focus on self-care, but not in the way most people might think. I skipped coffee, avoided sugar, and steered clear of unhealthy foods. My body and mind needed all the energy they could get. No room for sedatives; instead, I took a sleeping pill for just a few nights leading up to the funeral. The sleep was crucial—I was already in a fog and didn’t want to miss hearing what people would say about my beautiful Gavin.
Navigating Relationships During Grief
I remember several people at the funeral remarked on how well I seemed to be handling things, given that I wasn’t visibly falling apart. What they didn’t understand was my need to fully experience each word, each emotion expressed about Gavin—I couldn’t afford to miss a thing. Sure, I was a mess, but that was reserved for moments when I was alone.
The Role of Loved Ones
Thank heavens my mom was there; I don’t think I could’ve taken care of my daughters on my own during that time. It baffles me why anyone would think that my suffering should be a public display for them to validate. Cry?… I was a mess, when I was alone. Why would anyone think that I have to cry in front of them… to believe I am suffering. It’s a mystery to me.
Grieving is so painful that sometimes it feels impossible to fully absorb the extent of the pain. While it’s important to maintain a positive outlook, it’s equally crucial to confront and move through your grief in order to truly move forward. If you try to numb it—be it through drinking, drugs, eating, or avoiding the issue—it doesn’t just vanish on its own. It will be there, waiting for you. Facing it head-on and working through it is the only way, even though there’s nothing easy about grieving.
Writings That Guided Me
There were two excerpts from books I read that stood out to me and gave me immense strength before the funeral. I jotted them down in a notepad and revisited them often. One read: “Grief has a transformative power. When we love someone we lose, what they gave us—whether it’s economic security or guidance—becomes our own burden. Taking on these functions ourselves, or finding new ways to achieve what we have lost, can be an enriching experience. Think of one special way that person had of being. What we most appreciated is what we yearn and grieve for—and by making that quality stronger in ourselves, we keep their spirit alive.”
This resonated with me deeply. Gavin had this incredible self-confidence that I admired but didn’t fully share. After he passed, I found myself adopting his confident ways, as a tribute to him and as a new means of navigating the world.
About five months after he died, my daughter wanted to see her friend’s art piece at a gallery. We found ourselves in a room crowded with people attending a work function. The old me would have backed out and said, “We’ll come back another day.” But the new me, fortified with Gavin’s audacity, squeezed through the crowd to find the art piece. Men struck up conversations with me, noting how out of place I seemed. But I didn’t care.
Now, whenever I find myself in situations where I’m uncomfortable or embarrassed, I just think, “So what?” and visualize Gavin. Even though he would often embarrass me with his unshakeable self-assurance, it’s something I’ve come to appreciate and miss terribly about him.
Lessons in Adversity
The next excerpt that struck me—although, again, I regret I don’t know the author—read: “There is no experience in this life that exists that does not have the power to lead you to greater knowledge and growth. Major loss can only become a vehicle for creating a new life. When we stop thinking of it as punishment and start to see it as a process, we begin to heal. The process begins with the death of a relationship and proceeds through a period of grief and mourning in which the death is recognized and accepted, and ends with a rebirth.”
This passage had a profound impact on me, especially in the beginning. It gave me the strength to confront the undeniable truth that adversity does make us stronger, whether we welcome it or not. These life-altering experiences have a way of humbling us, reminding us that no one is immune to the twists and turns life can take. It wasn’t until I faced this seismic shift in my own life that I realized just how strong I truly am. We can survive, and more than that, we can thrive.
Incorporating daily gratitude and setting daily intentions also became important tools in my journey toward healing and moving forward.
Navigating Relationships During Grief
Often, people genuinely don’t know what to do or say when you’re grieving, and that’s okay. There’s an abundance of resources out there for them to learn how to support you during your intense period of loss. So, it’s not your job to carry the burden of family and friends who don’t get it or make excuses for not being there. If people truly care, they’ll figure out how to show up for you.
Setting Boundaries
Your primary focus needs to be on taking care of yourself and your family. Don’t waste energy defending yourself to people who judge you or can’t grasp the depth of your pain. The friends who matter will go to great lengths to support you, without needing you to understand why they might be absent.
If your go-to people can’t be there for you, look for others who can. There will always be someone willing to listen. Keep searching and don’t give up.
A New Chapter in Life
I had to say goodbye to life as I once knew it and move forward.
I spent endless hours grappling with the ‘why.’ It became an emotional quagmire, pulling me deeper into my grief. Book after book, I searched for answers—answers that remain elusive to this day. Gavin will never be a part of my life again, and that’s a reality I’ve had to come to terms with. As much as I’d love to know whether he watches over us from another realm, it’s a question without a definitive answer. Yet, I choose to believe he does; numerous experiences suggest this to me.
Embracing the New Journey
I had to let go of my past life to fully embrace the future. I’m genuinely thrilled to be living this new chapter. I’m happy to be alive!
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